Rockstar Rissa

2010-01-17T10:17:00.002-05:00

"My differences were taken into account, my sameness sought out." Feinberg 1993: 78

This quote stood out for me as I was reading because I can't quite decide if it's a positive practice or a negative one. Perhaps it's neither - just human.

As human beings we seek out those similar to us, we route out those common attributes that show a clear linkage, a possibility for relationship. Since the day we are born into this word, we are conditioned to condone similarities and shun those who are different. So, in a way, this quote reflects a negative practice that human beings unconsciously engage in every day of our lives.

On the other hand, this presents as a positive habit as they took into account her differences but still strove to accept her into their circle as one of theirs by routing out those same similarities that can make society to exclusive and so cruel. Rather than giving in to the temptation to stop at the differences and reject, the noted them and moved on.

But the final negative in this scenario is that they simply took her differences into account. They dis not try to understand them, they did not try to appreciate them, and far be it from them to celebrate them. Of course, these are things that can occur once you allow someone into your circle and begin to become increasingly intimate with them. So perhaps, this is simply a positive step on the path towards understanding and appreciation.

I believe that this is a positive practice that has grown out of a commonplace exclusionary tactic. Perhaps seeking out sameness first is not always a terrible thing.

2010-01-14T21:52:00.002-05:00

I don't understand the what the big deal about the "L" word is. Why are there all of these rules about when and how to say it and where did they come from? Why is it so taboo to simply express what you're feeling towards a person. There's not debate about how and when and where and why to say "I hate you," so why is the positive of that so stress-inducing?

I have heard innumerable laws and rules of thumb and advice and words of wisdom on this topic - to the point of absurdity. There's arbitrary dates and assumed knowledge and stereotypes and the singularity of a relationship is almost never taken into account. "Wait, 6 months, then you know it's safe to say it because they've stuck around for that long." "If he hasn't said it, he's not feeling it." "The woman should never be the first to say it." "If a girl says it before a guy and he's not ready, he'll freak out and leave her." "Men are afraid of the phrase 'I love you.'" Where does this come from?! People who have been rejected in the past and therefore assume that their case is the rule? You care very deeply about a person, so you tell them that. If they don't feel that yet or at all then you take it in and move on. It should make the object of affections feel good, not freaked out. There is so much unnecessary pressure around these three words that it just adds stress to relationships and may even ruin them in the end. If you love someone, it shouldn't be a matter of them "sticking around." You should want them to know that you have this incredible feeling for them because you see them as special and wonderful in your life.

And what makes this paranoia even more absurd is that fairly often it's obvious when someone loves you. It's innate for you to feel it. Sometimes, there isn't even a need for words and yet it has to be said aloud and in compliance with all of society's ridiculousness. Love isn't just something that's said, it's shown - so what out! You may have already been exposed.

I'm not stating that some of the above proverbs aren't true. There are people whose natural reaction to unreciprocated expressed feelings is panic and those people need to relax and act like a rational being. In that situation, my reaction would be "I'm sorry. You know that I like you very much but I'm not sure that I'm ready to make that commitment yet or I'm not sure that I'm there yet and I want to make sure that I'm ready and committed to stating that. I want to be with you and I want to see where this goes. When I'm ready, I'll say it." Revolutionary, yes?

It just never ceases to amaze me how hysteria can blow things out of proportion and interfere with the most intimate aspects of people's lives.

2009-12-06T20:17:00.001-05:00

I always feel that my station is precarious - regardless of how favorable my situation may be.

2009-11-15T21:14:00.003-05:00

While I'm working on my blog about repealing alimony laws, here's another political blog that doesn't involve much research on my part.

A lot of people don't know that you can have certain aspects of your CORI sealed - 10 years later for a misdemeanor and 15 years later for a felony. However, there are certain crimes that cannot be sealed, one of which being rape. On the other hand, crimes on your juvenile record are automatically sealed once you come of age.

Those last two facts having been said,the issue of rape by a minor creates a puzzling scenario.
In Massachusetts, the age of consent is 16 years old and the law revolves around the age of the female involved. The concept of the age of consent rests upon the belief that under the age of 16, an individual cannot actually consent to anything because they are not mentally or emotionally mature enough to be able to fully comprehend the ramifications of their decisions. In a similar vein, the establishment of 18 as the legal age of an adult rests upon the presumption that under the age of 18 an individual is not responsible enough to make their own decisions, nor are they mature enough to measure consequences and long term effects.

Taking all of the above into consideration, suppose Johnny, who is 16, has a one night stand with Susie, who is 15 years old. Johnny is convicted of statutory rape for engaging in intercourse with an individual who is not mature enough to truly consent to a sexual act. However, the argument can be made that Johnny committed said act, regardless of whether or not Susie consented, because, as an individual under the age of 18, he is not mentally or emotionally mature enough to properly weigh the consequences of his actions. Under the law he is a minor but under the law he also committed rape. The same legal conundrum is created in more difficult circumstances - say Johnny had sex with Susie while she was drunk and did not, in fact, consent. It was, indeed, rape but he is, indeed, a minor and therefore, arguably, less responsible for his actions. So we have a situation of conflict of law and thus the question is, to seal or not to seal?

I personally do not believe that there is an easy solution to this situation. Ideally, it would be settled on a case by case basis, but the law doesn't work that way because in order for the law to be fair, there must be some level of uniformity. However, what is fair is not always just and what is just is not always fair. Fortunately, there is some level of discretion involved in the review of petitions to seal, which can be a saving grace for some. For others there are those who invariably draw the hard line that rape is rape, regardless of age. Perhaps some guidelines can be applied to cases across the board to make a determination - but who is to determine which type of rape is more serious a crime? Indeed, it runs the risk of understating the severity of someone's traumatic experience and even runs the risk of allowing a dangerous individual to exist unmonitored in society.

It's a multifaceted argument and the potential solutions are numerous. Unfortunately, the way that these conflicts of law are often sorted out is through a series of cases in which many suffer as collateral.

2009-11-01T17:26:00.002-05:00

I have always been a people pleaser. Usually a little too much so. I used to be really easy going about it - I never expected anything in return, not even any recognition. I just kind of did it. But lately my patience in that area has been running out. I suppose that it 's because I'm older now and I've developed a better concept of respect and have learned to stand up for myself. Maybe it's also because I've just worn myself out giving too much. Or maybe over the years the number of people who take it for granted has built up to the point where I can't overlook it anymore.

What hurts me the most is that some of the people closest to me are guilty of it. I feel as though they almost expect that I will just do whatever they need for them and I don't even get a simple "thank-you" from them. It's aggravating and it also makes me question our relationships. Are they using me? Do they really see nothing wrong with their behavior? Do they really have as little respect for me as they display?

I suppose in that situation most people would just stop doing things for others but I must be a glutton for punishment because I can't seem to stop myself. That sounded really arrogant. How do I rephrase that? I really just don't know how to say no, particularly when it comes to those closest to me. I enjoy taking care of people and I really do like to please people. What I really need is to learn how to stand up for myself even more so and to set solid limits to allowing people to more or less use me. Don't get me wrong - I realize that a lot of people don't mean to act like that and don't realize what they're doing - but I do need to find an effective and polite way to point that out - for my sake and for the sake of my friendships.

2009-10-22T08:12:00.002-04:00

Cliche as it sounds, my job really isn't easy and there are a lot of times when I wonder if it's really for me. I lose sleep worrying about my clients and it's amazing how nasty people can be even when you're trying to help them. But every once in a while, I meet a new client who reminds me of why I took this job and actually makes me want to stay in this field. When they finally get all set up and settled in I'm genuinely happy for them and I actually want to thank THEM for keeping me focused on what's important.

2009-10-22T08:05:00.002-04:00

Whenever I'm driving down 95 and I see that the staties have pulled someone over, I think to myself "what the HELL could they have done to get pulled over?!" Everyone is doing 70 or better when the speed limit is 55 so they couldn't have been speeding...unless the cops haven't noticed that using one ridiculously unlucky speeder as an example isn't really working. And how much would your life have to suck to be that guy?

No, I imagine it to be something like this:
Trainee: Sir, that one! He's going 80 mph!
Officer: No. That one. Headlight out. That one's mine. (in a Clint Eastwood voice, of course)

Some Random Thoughts about Driving

2009-10-19T21:26:00.003-04:00

There are few things more aggravating than when you're angry at someone and you can't get your horn to honk. You just look like you're really pissed at your steering wheel...or like you have no control over your arms. Then you just get more aggravated, so you scream but you're in your car so they can't hear you and then you look like you have torrets. Then you realize you're being an asshole and either pass them or deal with it.

Are all hybrid drivers assholes? I don't know what it is, but I swear to God every time I get stuck behind someone driving a Prius they are doing 60 in the fast lane and refuse to move and are COMPLETELY oblivious to my indications that they are too slow and are wearing on my patience. Like, is it not fuel efficient enough to match the speed of the person crawling up your ass? Do they just not go above 60? Or is the whole fuel efficiency thing just bull shit and in actuality your speedometer says 80 when you're only doing 60 so you think your car is fuel efficient but it's actually just slow?

And school buses in the fast lane. WHAT IS THAT? I mean, I know a carload of screaming kids is a nightmare, but are you actively trying to kill them and yourself? Especially the minivan buses. Seriously, just quit.

Finally, I wish parallel parking didn't exist. Contrary to popular belief, I'm actually a pretty good driver. I mean, I have momentary lapses, but I'm not bad...then you see me attempt to parallel park and MAN that's embarassing. I had to get out of the car and have a man parallel park for me the other day. Do you know what that feels like for a Smithie to do? To admit defeat to the man?! So now I'm determined. I am going to go out and practice and parallel park EVERYWHERE. Even when it's not necessary just because I'll be able to. OK actually, I really hate it and will probably avoid it at all costs even if I miraculously become good at it.

2009-10-06T18:58:00.002-04:00

For the first time in a long time I am truly content. I know what I want...the only possible problem is that I'm too afraid to say it out loud. Solution to that problem: enjoy the here and now and lately I've been enjoying every minute of it.

Some long-suppressed rants

2009-09-04T09:48:00.003-04:00

On Curt Schilling:
If Curt Schilling replaces Ted Kennedy is Congress I am out of this country so fucking fast your heads will spin. He supported the Bush administration and the Iraq War from the start - those facts in and of themselves are proof that either he is not playing with a full deck or that he suffers from terribly poor judgment. The problem is that a disturbing number - indeed perhaps a majority - of Americans are so stupid that they would vote for someone simply based on name recognition and fame rather than qualifications. Here's the thing: being a big mouth does NOT qualify you to hold public office. Here's a lesson in civics: the Senate is perhaps the most important entity in our government. The President cannot do ANYTHING without Congressional approval and the Senate is the major veto power. In fact, the Senate was deliberately designed by the founding fathers to reign supreme in Congress because the House is more directly responsive to the whims of the public - the same public who elected an unqualified actor to the presidency in the 60s. Case and point. So before you think of the bloody sock and start drooling and subsequently relinquish your civil liberties and any hope of policies that benefit the majority of Americans rather than the wealthy few, please consider the consequences of your check mark in that voting booth.

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On the Cord Blood Registry:
Oh look, another indicator that the wealthy are valued over the average American: it is so expensive to preserve your baby's cord blood that only the wealthy can afford to do so; THEREFORE, only the children of wealthy people deserve to be cured of otherwise untreatable conditions and illnesses. And that brings us back to the healthcare debate: if you don't have the moeny to pay for your treatment, oh well. Good luck with that cancer! Why should someone who was not born in to wealth have to suffer while someone who just fell into the lap of luxury gets world class treatment? Why should someone who works themselves to the bone at a job that doesn't provide ample benefits have to die? Why should the poor be denied treatment they need to survive? Isn't the right to life one of the long-revered "inalienable" rights that Americans like to brag about so much? The US is the ONLY Democratic country in the world that doesn't care if its citizens live or die. How can we possibly brag about being the land of the free, the greatest country in the world, the country that guarantees you life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness when we can't even provide our citizens with the basics needed to acheive those things? It's all a lie if we don't take care of each other.

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On the elderly:
Turn in your driver's license NOW. What is up with this summer? They're picking people off left and right! It's like an epidemic! I just don't understand it. And those of you who think that mandatory driver's tests for the elderly is age-based discrimination and a violation of civil rights: fuck you. The right to run innocent people over is not a civil right. If it's a matter of public safety and well-being it is permissible for the government to enact such "discriminatory" statutes.

2009-08-24T22:05:00.003-04:00

Coming home to Merilee and Jacey yelling my name to come play from across the street is quite possibly the best way to come home from a long day at work. I know they don't necessarily remember how much time I spent with them, but I remember taking care of them as infants and now that they're walking and talking they're even more fun. They're the sweetest, most loving kids and I can't help but smile even when they're misbehaving. And they're definitely more fun than most of my clients.Miss Jacey

Miss Merilee

On Dating Sites

2009-08-16T12:12:00.003-04:00

I was listening to the morning show on FNX the other day on the way to work and I heard an ad for yet another dating website. However, apparently it is not a dating site - it's "an activities club for single professionals." After they blasted all of the other dating sites - eharmony, plenty of fish, match.com, etc. - I started to wonder, is it THAT difficult to date these days that we really need all of these services to help us? Is it that difficult to find someone and to plan dates that we need activities clubs just to get us out of the house, off the computer and socializing? I recall that there was a time when the people who tried to find dates online were the social rejects who everyone outside the cyber world thought was creepy, but now it's much more socially acceptable and almost the thing to do. So, what is it about this generation, this time period that makes us incapable of going out and meeting people? When did it get to the point where you really don't want anything to do with the guy who just bought you a drink because men who pick up women in bars are sketchy and can't be trusted?

Really, this is completely unprecedented. Even personal ads did not reach this point. People were able to date and marry before the internet and since this phenomena the divorce rate has not dropped. So what is it with the cyber dating and why are we so infatuated with it and dependent upon it?

2009-08-02T20:14:00.001-04:00

I'm waiting for the man who will lasso the moon for me.

2009-07-27T20:35:00.003-04:00

"Skillet on the stove, it's such a distraction
Maybe I'll be the lucky who doesn't get burned
What the fuck was I thinking?"

Jenny Owen Youngs is kinda rad. Totally been there. I think she may understate the value of being burned though...

2009-07-26T14:46:00.002-04:00

I'd be lying if I said I know what I'm doing. Sometimes you just have to close your eyes and jump.

2009-07-22T23:53:00.002-04:00

I've been struggling a lot lately, with the changes in my life and the disparity between who I am and who I want to be. I see these pictures of these beautiful women who look strong and confident with a sort of free spirit air about them and I think to myself "I want to be that." I can remember points in my life when I felt like that. They were brief, in comparison, but I have felt on top of the game, in charge of my life, happy and moving ahead. And because I've been there I know that I'm capable of it, but I'm not sure how to get to that again. I've been like a sponge lately, reading books about inspirational women, listening to music by strong, soulful women, trying desperately to find their secret. I think in all the stress and change of late, I've lost myself a bit. I need to get back to myself, figure out who I am at this point in my life and what makes me happy. Then I can be vibrant, and confident, and soulful, and free.

Move Along Move Along Just to Make It Through

2009-07-20T16:08:00.003-04:00

I woke up at 4 am this morning and could not get back to sleep. I lay there for two hours tossing and turning, my mind reeling out of control, vacillating back and forth with different decisions I have to make and each debate increasing my stress level. I tried to block it out. I tried to stop my mind, think of other things, but I should have known from past experience that that never works. Around 6 am I fell into a troubled sleep, interrupted by nightmares that were undoubtedly a manifestation of my stress. I awoke at 11 am feeling completely unrested and more or less miserable.

Then I read Drew's blog. Somehow that's all I needed to clear nearly everything up. He reminded me of the one thing, and the most important thing that I had forgotten in my preoccupation with what if's and concern for others. I have to look out for myself. I have to pick up and move forward. To stagnate ad dwell, to let my past control my present, that will only make me miserable. I would be wasting my time and hurting myself when I could be making the most of my time and helping myself. Even though it seems like my life stops on occasion, time doesn't. And I'm a fool if I'm going to let it pass me by. It's not going to pick me up and carry me with it. it's going to rush right past me and leave me behind wondering where I am and where it went. I HAVE to let go and I HAVE to move forward. And I HAVE to have faith that as long as I am true to myself things will work out in my favor. I've done my time. Now it's time for pay off.

Thanks, Drew!

2009-07-19T23:55:00.001-04:00

I...I don't think I can say what I want to say...here... I'm going elsewhere...

2009-07-16T16:31:00.002-04:00

Terry hit the nail right on the head when she said that it's rough being a research assistant because you're caught in a bind where you want to show that you're productive and efficient but you also want to get those 20 hours a week in and not short change yourself. So far, I'm pacing myself, but I still don't have enough work to hit 20 hours a week. I don't want to dawdle or waste time either... what to do what to do...

Warning: Rant Ensues

2009-07-14T13:34:00.003-04:00

OK, there are certain persons I know who use the Internet to broadcast every little thing they do - I'm walking to work, I'm checking my e-mail, I'm making a chart - as if they are so important that people really want to know every little minute detail about their lives. Here's the thing, we know you're doing this because you love love LOVE attention and maybe you do think that people really want to know all about you because you make everything about you. Here's the truth: nobody cares. Furthermore, it irks the shit out of us when you do this because we don't want to know. You are taking up space in our news feeds, on our Twitter home pages, and in our Buddy Lists broadcasting things no one cares about because you are so ridiculously self-important.

So the next time you interrupt someone else's story with "oh yeah, well *I*" or you go to type yet another detail about yourself, I beg you, PLEASE ask yourself "if someone else were to say this, would I care?" Granted, since you're so self-important the answer is probably "no", it is a still a pretty good measure because the more you answer this with "no" and refrain from sharing, the more you are sparing us all irritation with you and you might eventually find yourself not only in more company but also in better-humored company.

RIP Mr. Grace

2009-07-13T18:24:00.004-04:00

One of my high school teachers died suddenly of a heart attack last week. He was 58, young as far as I'm concerned. It was sudden in all respects but also because a lot of us saw Mr. Grace outliving us all. He was a fixture at AC and the possibility of him not being there was simply not something any of us ever considered. He was the type of man who could talk about "punching you in the face" one moment and then act almost like a protective father the next. He had a tough guy image he firmly upheld but he always meant well and it was evident that he cared about his students.

I went to the wake today not quite knowing what to expect. I was not particularly close to him: I had him for Honors World History and I quit softball the year before I would have played Varsity so he was never my coach. I was also not close to his sons although they too went to AC. I expected many familiar faces and some joking but really that was far from the reality. The line stretched all through the funeral home and out to the street. When I finally reached the room where Mr. Grace was I had no idea what to expect regarding his family. I'd never met most of them before.

He was lying in his navy blue ACHS long-sleeved T shirt, which he wore very often. His face was positioned in a serene almost half-smile and he didn't have that false overmade look many people do in their coffins. His wife was next to the coffin and when she wasn't speaking to a mourner, she was staring at Mr. Grace with a look of despair, a combination of disbelief that he is gone and a longing to have him back. We shook hands and I said that I was very sorry for her loss. She looked at me with utmost sadness in her eyes and said "thank you" and although we did not know each other and without even thinking about it I hugged her and as soon as I did she began to cry. I just wanted to comfort her in that moment and I had no way to do so because I was merely a stranger and there was a line of mourners waiting.

Farthest from the coffin was his son, Sean, who was a year below me. He is a very tall young man and I'm not quite sure where he got his height from: his father was of average height as is his mother. I shook his hand and looked up into his face as I expressed my sympathy. Normally Sean was a joker, no stranger to getting into trouble in school, always laughing with friends. He looked me right in the face and there was an emptiness in eyes, that look of dark sadness that makes the eyes seem all the more deep. And at the same time, although we don't really know each other and I'm sure he did not recognize me, he looked sincerely glad that I was there, to share in his grief, to express my appreciation for the man that Mr. Grace was, to offer some kind words.

I had no idea what to expect going to the wake, and was not at all prepared for that experience. I have never been to a wake quite like it. I'm glad I went. I'm glad I said goodbye. And I'm glad that there was one more person there to show that Mr. Grace was a well-loved ad appreciated man.

2009-07-12T11:18:00.004-04:00

I feel a political rant coming onnnnnnnnnnn... But first, I'm going to step back and collect my thoughts, because I would like it to be as eloquent as possible... I also think it would lend credibility if I can refrain from using the terms "moron" and "asshole." Just a thought.

2009-07-09T14:40:00.001-04:00

I miss my friend...

2009-07-08T22:44:00.002-04:00

I'm honestly not surprised, but I expected more. This is just plain immature and I'm both angry and disappointed. Grow up and face things, don't hide like a child. Until you do, I have no respect for you and don't care to put forth any more effort with you.

I don't give second chances. I've lost enough doing that. If you lose me, I'm gone for good.

2009-07-07T16:10:00.001-04:00

I haven't really been inspired to write in the past few days...at least not anything anyone would want to read...or that I'd want anyone to read.

2009-07-06T00:27:00.001-04:00

Keep your mouth shut and your eyes straight ahead...

Advice to live by

2009-07-04T22:54:00.002-04:00

I really need a better way to deal with things. Eating my feelings is NOT constructive and just makes me feel worse. I'm at a loss for ways to deal though

2009-07-03T19:53:00.002-04:00

Dear Sarah Palin,

Running for President of the US is NOT like running for President of your high school class. Please go back to the tundra cave your whacko ass crawled out of. Thank you, on behalf of all the women who actually have brains and want to use them to run for office someday... and on behalf of the women of this country would like having a say over what they do with their uteri... and on behalf of John McCain who probably has nightmares because of the Pandora's box he opened by finding you on Google... and on behalf of all of the third world countries you probably would have destroyed...

2009-07-03T00:09:00.003-04:00

I love when people tell me stories - about their childhood, their friends, their family, you name it. My ideal way to spend a night is cuddled up in bed listening to a story about his life (whoever "him" may be). Actually, I've been known to request stories repeatedly. I don't know what it is. I guess I just really like learning about people more and I think it's one of the best ways to get to know someone. It also shows a certain level of trust and intimacy.

There was a point to this... ah yes! So I fell asleep last night to "Big Fish" playing in the background and it's a pretty good substitute for a story. So if you like to curl up and listen to a good tale while you fall asleep, I recommend this when you can't have the real thing.

A Familiar Tale

2009-07-02T23:30:00.004-04:00

Sometimes I forget how truly blessed I am. I suppose it's a normal human thing to do. But every now and then I get these reminders and all of those piddly little things that nag at me don't matter anymore. I have what matters, I've said it before and I'll say it again: amazing friends. I get so focused on one thing that goes wrong and think that that will prevent me from being happy, but I don't need that to be happy. I have people who love me and who make me happy and if they're all I end up with in the end, they're not "all I end up with." They're all I need.

The Past is Past

2009-07-01T21:53:00.002-04:00

I spend far too much time dwelling. I focus on bad things that have happened or stupid things that I've done or reliving painful times really to an absurd extent. And what does it get me? Misery. I get sad, withdrawn, lethargic. And ever though I know this, I don't stop myself. Why is that? Sometimes I wonder if I'm masochistic.

There is a lot to be said for the value of the past in learning, but the pastis only valuable in the sense to a very limited point. After that, it stunts. I'm not making myself any wiser by behaving in this manner. It's not altering my choices. Rather, it's dragging me down, making me doubt myself even more that I do naturally. By living in the past, I could very well be impeding my future. Not any more.

I love laughing, I love having fun, I love making people smile. Why should I live the way I do? No more. From now on, I am catching myself when I get into this mindset and I'm forcing myself to get out of it. Whatever it takes - exercise, going out, et cetera. It's not worth my happiness and potential.

Any suggestions for good ways to switch gears when I find myself dwelling?

2009-07-01T12:55:00.000-04:00

Oh dear... private blog time.

Inspired

2009-06-26T23:02:00.002-04:00

I used to keep a notebook near my bed where I used to write down, well, lots of things - snippets of song lyrics and poetry that spoke to me, some verses that came to me, even whole songs and poems. I used to write a lot but somewhere along the line in college I lost it. I'm not sure exactly what happened, but I suspect it was a combination of things: depression, an orientation towards strictly academic writing, a drying up of my "creative juices," a lack of inspiration... Over the past year or two my life has changed a lot and I'm finding myself more inclined to write again. However, I've also found that it's not as simple as jumping back into it. I don't remember the things that come to me the way I used to and it's not easy even forming those ideas. I need to reconnect to find inspiration in things the way I used to, I need to make note of those things that speak to me in some way. I need to be open and awake again, sensitive to those things going on around me and willing to envelop myself in them. I need a new notebook.

2009-06-26T16:46:00.001-04:00

This week's lyrical dedication goes out to Lola: Vampire Weekend - Boston (Ladies of Cambridge)

"I've held dreams of Boston all of my life"

On Sexual Harassment

2009-06-26T11:53:00.003-04:00

I'm really at a loss for how to interpret and deal with catcalls from men driving by while I walk down the street. The Smithie in me tells me it's disrespect and objectification, that I should be offended or even fear for my safety in some extreme cases. However, it's been proven time and time again that what holds at Smith does not necessarily carry over to the "real world." Do they think they're paying me a compliment? That I appreciate their vulgar overtures? Or do they really think that I'm just an object for their admiration and pleasure?

Honestly, just once I'd like to walk down the street without having to worry about being catcalled or ogled. I didn't get dressed for you this morning. I got dressed like a young professional who would like a job. I'm not your baby, I don't want a ride, in fact I don't even want you to talk to me. I want to walk from the T to my car in peace. I don't know. Maybe I'm just too uptight. Or am I? And really, how desperate do you have to be to catcall the girl limping down the street in a business suit?

I actually had a moment where I feared for my safety on Tuesday. A creep in a garbage truck actually had the gall to drive by, turn around, drive by the other way, lean out his window and wave. I rolled my eyes and looked straight ahead but then realized that if he could turn around once, what was stopping him from turning around again and driving by on the side of the road I was walking on? Perhaps an overreaction, but I hustled it to my car.

It seems like this is just a fact of life... and it sickens me that that's the case. I shouldn't have to live in a constant state of apprehension because of my sex (not gender; they're not the same thing for you non-Smithies out there).

Musings from College Hall

2009-06-22T15:31:00.002-04:00

There are still some feelings of melancholy associated with this place. I'm sure they'll dissipate soon though. It's amazing how the human mind works when it comes to associations. College Hall 2nd floor bathroom -> gray autumn day -> intense pain and sadness. Sunshine -> warm day -> laughter -> driving with friends -> ease. I'm not sure if it's true or not but sometimes I think that my mind works differently with associations than other people's do. Maybe that's just because I don't know how the minds of others work. I just feel like I have something associated with pretty much everything. There's always a memory, a sentiment and most of the time they appear to be completely random... I mean: bathroom -> heartache? Really?

I wonder if there's a way to control what you associate with different places and things. I'm sure there are those that argue the affirmative but I doubt if it's really possible. Even if you try to create new associations, you're still deliberately blocking another one and are conscious of so doing and, therefore, that original association will always be there, right? Unless of course it fades like a memory. Even if I could control those associations, I don't think I'd want to. There's a reason why those connections are there and I think there's something unique and beautiful about them, even if they're painful. They're a reminder of something that you went through and something that you can potentially learn from, something that contributes to you. Why would I want to change that?

Pencil in Hand

2009-06-17T23:57:00.004-04:00

I feel alive again - in a way that I haven't felt in a long time. Maybe it's this newfound peace I've been given, maybe it's the relative freedom and lack of responsibility of not having a job, maybe it's because I've found who I am and I'm content with it. Does the origin really matter? I don't think so. I just feel good. I want to laugh and sing with friends, I want to lie out on the grass immersed in the warmth of the sun reading or daydreaming or sleeping. I want to write again like I used to. I want to be in love. I want to drive up the coast and smell the ocean while the breeze ruddies my cheeks and tangles my hair.

I always read with a pencil in hand. Did you know that about me? I suppose it's a habit carried over from analyzing readings in school but now I do it for me. I underline things that strike me or that I like as if to say "yes!" I posit questions in the margins, intending to revisit them, perhaps write on them - though I never do. Sometimes the wise-ass in me likes to add onto statements the author makes. Sometimes I just like to scribble "that's what she said" in the margin. It's a different way of enjoying a work. It's immersion, it's making it personal, it's putting a part of yourself into that work, weaving bits of your life into it and vice versa.

That's how I like to live - with a pencil in hand, fully aware of and observing everything, marking off little bits to remember, to learn from, to meld into my experience and my identity, absorbing while actively participating. Feeling.

2009-06-16T00:21:00.002-04:00

I want to buy a book of quotes. And every day I'm going to pick one and post it on here for inspiration. Cheesy? Cliche? Maybe. Do I care? No.

2009-06-15T00:44:00.001-04:00

I'm waiting for the space between my memories to get longer, but I'm mostly at peace.

2009-06-14T12:11:00.002-04:00

On Twitter today, since it's Sunday, there are a lot of tweets about what Jesus thinks of us and how it's only His opinion that matters. Needless to say, it got me thinking. I hope Jesus thinks I'm hilarious, like He shakes His head but He can't help but chuckle a little at what a spaz I am.

2009-06-13T13:30:00.003-04:00

I was reading a friend's blog the other day and he mentioned having a day of mental time travel and it really struck me and got me thinking. A lot of people resort to mental time travel as a form of escapism. When times are difficult, when their hearts are broken, when they are mourning they transport themselves back to a happier time to numb or even avoid the pain of the present time and environment. I realized that I've been resorting to escapism to avoid engaging in mental time travel. Rather than remembering past happy times that I know are long gone and only make the present more painful, I've been resorting to anything I can to control my mind and keep me in the present. Cleaning, exercise, sleeping, drinking - you name it, I've been at it... except illicit drugs. I know that it's not healthy but I also know that I'm not ready to casually revisit those times.

Much of the problem with this reflection is that I never received the closure that I needed. But after a good long conversation last night, I think I may have that closure. I definitely feel more at peace and I think - I hope - that now I will be able to move on. It's the least I can do for myself. I owe Pat a big thank-you.

2009-06-11T23:44:00.001-04:00

I've figured out who I am and what I want. I'm glad I have and I want to share it with someone in particular, but I can't.

2009-06-08T17:52:00.002-04:00

I suppose I'm one of those people who almost always has a story and usually it is of the that-would-only-happen-to-Marissa nature. What happened at jury duty today was no different.

I arrived on time and entered the jury pool room. The man in front of me had not filled out his questionnaire properly so the bailiff asked him if he had ever been convicted of a felony. He replied, "yeah, assault and battery, driving without a license, and domestic abuse." Great - I'm in a jury pool with a violent criminal.

So I'm waiting waiting waiting in the room and of course I'm in the first group called to a courtroom. The charges against the defendant were very very serious and the minute the judge explained them one of the jurors burst into tears. Needless to say, she was excused. Meanwhile I'm thinking, "Oh great the first time I'm called and there's a big time case that will probably last days." So they're excusing juror after juror but I'm more focused on the fact that the guy behind me keeps making these gagging noises like he's about to vomit and I was just a bit concerned about being puked on. Not just gagging but panting afterwards and gasping "oh God." For Chrissake man, if you're that sick leave! Does no one else hear that?!

Luckily, I managed to keep my snide comments to myself... mostly. I DID respond to the charges read with "are you fucking kidding me?!" to the woman next to me. BUT when the judge asked if there was anything about the appearance of the defendant, who was an African American, that would make anyone unable to be unbiased and a single juror raised their card I resisted the urge to declare "well, we know who the racist in the room is!"

I was number 58 and when they reached 40 without having filled the jury I was getting antsy, but juror number 40 was the last one luckily for me... not so much for her. I hope she didn't have any plans for this week. We were heading back to the pool room to be sorted for another trial when we were informed we could go. It was like a bunch of kids getting out of school early. People were actually running down the stairs and I could be mistaken but I could swear I heard some cheering.

2009-06-07T20:00:00.002-04:00

Maybe I'm a glutton for punishment. Maybe I'm trying to rise above and prove myself. Maybe I genuinely enjoy myself there.

I'm not sure... but I do know that I wasn't just another face at that party last summer. No, I was more than that. I'm not sure what that means and I may always be left wondering, but I know I was something.

2009-06-06T15:03:00.002-04:00

I neglected to consider how complicated it can be when all of your friends have boyfriends and you're the only single girl :-/

On hopes and dreams

2009-06-04T13:15:00.003-04:00

When I was interning for the governor, I really thought that it would be the key that opens the doors to all of my future endeavors. And I was not alone in this thinking. In fact, one person in particular was mistaken enough to assume that I would be in DC at this point in my life. Truth is, I hate DC. But I digress. What has been the most interesting and unexpected is that really I have hardly mentioned my time in the Governor's office at all in my job applications. In fact, after sending my credentials into at least 15 places, I am only just writing my first cover letter that actually describes my internship.

When I left the office, I was told to keep in touch and I would have a job after graduation. Then the economy tanked and now there are hiring freezes in all areas of state government. All the connections in the state couldn't help me now. Perhaps this is the reason why I've only just used this experience as my lever to launch myself into gainful employment. I've been forced to rely on my research experience because that field has not been as deeply harmed by the economy. But I am also led to wonder if perhaps that internship was not as valuable an experience as I had assumed it would be. It seemed really cool at the time, but when I look back at it, I really wasn't doing anything that required any type of skill. I entered invitations into a database, I answered phones, and I took a few field trips with the Advance team. Honestly, I feel quite foolish for feeling so special at the time.

But I did really enjoy that job. I was a good worker and I received praise for it and I enjoyed the work. In addition, at that point in my life I felt like everything had fallen into place. I was in a wonderful relationship, I was in a job I intended to pursue, and I was looking towards moving out and starting my life. It's amazing how quickly things fall apart.

So I suppose it was that complete rearrangement of the major aspects of my life that changed what I thought I would be using as my major experience in cover letters.

What's more striking is now that I've been focusing so much on research jobs and my experience in that field, I've almost completely forgotten that desire to work in government that was so strong over the summer. Quarter life crisis? Perhaps.

I'll be honest. Having realized how different things are now from what I wanted and expected them to be, it's hard to go on at times. It's hard to keep motivated and keep trying. Sometimes when I'm writing a cover letter I find myself thinking "what's the point?" Even if I get this job I'm not in the position that I wanted to be in this time last year. And it's hard to remember that just because something isn't what I had planned, it doesn't mean that it's going to be a bad experience or that I'm going to be unhappy. It's just different and I can still find my place.

Perhaps all of those plans and aspirations were just the hopes and dreams of a naive, idealistic, and therefore foolish young girl who was in love with life and thought things would always work out.

2009-06-04T00:12:00.002-04:00

"Sometimes good-bye is a second chance"

I heard this on the radio tonight and I liked it. I think it's pertinent to my life... and hey maybe it's true.

Second Guesses

2009-06-02T16:45:00.002-04:00

I've come to realize that I second guess myself far too much. It's as if I don't trust myself or I don't think that I'm competent or intelligent, when my achievements admittedly indicate the opposite. Per usual, it's probably a self-esteem issue that somehow can be traced back to my father, but my main concern is how do I change it? They say that acknowledgment is the first step to recovery. OK, I've acknowledged that I should give myself more credit, but it's not an easy thing to do. I worry that when I finally do start going easier on myself, I'll start screwing up, possibly very seriously. When I finally let my guard down, I'm going to leave the hair straightener on and burn down the house or ruin an incredible opportunity for myself by being too negligent. I also do think that I have good reason to be so doubtful of my capabilities because I am a bit of a scatter brain and if it's not written on a Post-it or if it doesn't have an alarm set on my Blackberry, chances are I'll forget about it. On the other hand, I think using ical, iprocrastinate, Post-Its, AND my Blackberry is a bit of an overkill. So where is the middle ground here? I know it's probably a matter of trial and error, but I have an intense fear of the error aspect of that dichotomy.

*Sigh* Any suggestions?

2009-05-31T18:57:00.001-04:00

I'm rebuilding my life... and I'm starting to feel good about it.

2009-05-31T17:20:00.002-04:00

"Only one thing can make a soul complete and that is love" - The Reader

But is it giving love or being loved that makes the soul complete? Sometimes I think that I miss having someone to love more than I miss being loved.

2009-05-29T15:28:00.002-04:00

I don't go out to pick up men. I go out to get free drinks. How's that for female empowerment?

It's all downhill from here

2009-05-28T22:37:00.003-04:00

I feel like my life has been in a constant downward spiral since Graduation. Nothing has gone my way and on top of all the big things there have been plenty of small things that have gone wrong as well, just enough to have the effect of rubbing salt in an open wound.

It started out with graduation. I had been working very hard for four years to achieve Latin Honors, which meant I took a class from every discipline and earned a specific GPA in them. I did not graduate with Latin Honors because I just barely missed the GPA cutoff and I suspect that it was an unfair grade in Art History that killed it for me. Of course my first response was to be devastated because I had worked so hard for nothing and also felt that I simply wasn't a good enough student to get it.

Then I moved home, to my tiny messy house where I share a room with my sister, have no privacy and no personal space and am far away from most of my friends. So, I set about keeping myself busy and getting out as much as possible to try to rebuild a life for myself in the Boston area.

I went to a party. I left the party, crying and newly crushed by and agonizing over something that I had hoped to be over by now. Instead, I'm more confused than ever and have reverted to trying to fix things that may not ever have a chance of being fixed.

I didn't get the job at Abt. They hired someone else and are considering hiring a second position in which case the choice will be between me and one other candidate and the start date is the end of the summer. So I continue to be out of gainful employment and living at home all summer, the prospect of which is positively suffocating.

And my car broke down, which means I am even more confined to the house where I don't want to be. AND I'M being blamed for it's breaking down by not putting it in the shop. Question: WITH WHAT MONEY?

On top of all of that I'm at least 100 miles away from most of the people I have come to love over the past 4 years and I miss them more than I can take. I feel stressed out and depressed constantly because I'm made so miserable by how different I thought this time in my life would be. It takes everything I have to get out of bed and I really just want to run away. I've been drawn to California for quite a while now and this might be a good chance to make a break for it. If I don't like it I can always come back.

Heather was really helpful tonight though. This is my time to do the things I want to and I should learn to love myself and by happy other ways. So I'm going to try to do that for now. This really is the time to do it. So I'm going to go out with friends and I'm going to do things that make me happy and I'm going to try my best not to stress out about the future, which is definitely easier said than done for me, but I'm going to try. I need to have faith that things will work out and I'll be happy in the end.

To that end: Going out all weekend this weekend and from now on only wear skirts, dresses, and sexy undies.

2009-05-24T18:25:00.002-04:00

I have the greatest friends in the world and I don't know what I'd do without them. They've been there for me through everything and managed to wake me up when I felt dead inside. I honestly don't think I would have made it through the past year without them. They made me feel loved and appreciated when I felt worthless, they gave me hope when I didn't want to get out of bed, and they made me smile through my tears. My heart still aches but I know that they're here for me until he fades from my mind forever. They've become my second family and I'll love them forever.

Thank you guys for all you do

(including putting up with me when I get drunk and cry)

2009-05-23T19:18:00.001-04:00

And just as it disappeared from my mind, it all came rushing back :-(

Bees

2009-05-22T13:53:00.002-04:00

So I've been reading up on bees a lot lately because people keep telling me that bumble bees don't sting and I don't buy it for a minute. They're all evil as far as I'm concerned and have been every since I was stung as a child and confide myself to the shelter of indoors as a haven from bees every spring and summer. Turns out bumble bees DO sting, all of you liars out there secretly plotting my demise!!! It's just that they're mad chill and don't usually attack for no apparent reason. Interestingly enough, the aggressive ones, like hornets and yellow jackets, that do sting just for the hell of it die right after stinging because it rips their ass off thereby killing them. How's that for karma? Stupid bees.

This rant brought to you in part by Wikipedia. Thanks for helping me prove everyone wrong.

2009-05-21T23:57:00.003-04:00

Here's a problem: I just realized that if I don't have a job or a boyfriend, I don't know what to do with myself during the summer. With a job I knew what I was doing during the day at least 5 days a week and with a boyfriend either we'd hang out or go to parties together. If my friends weren't having one his were. Now, I'm unemployed and single. My home friends are unemployed and taken. And I'm feeling like my life is just a tiny bit pathetic. So, new resolution: be exciting ad busy. Find things to do. Go places just for the hell of it. Call people. It's harder with no money, but it's doable. I'm smart, I'm beautiful, I'm prepared and dammit I can be fun and spontaneous when I want to be!

2009-05-13T16:51:00.002-04:00

My white dress slacks are getting too tight. I feel like a fat plug. I really do not want to accept the fact that I'm going to struggle with my weight for the rest of my life. It's too daunting a thought to realize that I'm going to have to carefully consider everything I want to eat and balance my work out routine based on what I ingest. Bleh. An hour of cardio tomorrow.

On Validation

2009-05-12T13:05:00.003-04:00

Sometimes I'm surprised by just how much validation I can need and how much it can make a difference to me. Not just validation from others, but from myself as well. Sometimes I even need help validating myself. I'm really not sure how I feel about the fact that I need validation like I do. Is it a weakness? Is it just a function of low self-esteem? Is it just another gift I can thank my wonderful drunk father for? What does it mean for my future? Or maybe everyone needs validation, whether they realize it or not, and everyone is equally grateful to get it regardless of whether or not they were consciously and actively seeking it.

I had 2 moments yesterday where I realized what a relief it was to have that sense of validation. I had a conversation with one of my closest friends about my past with an abusive father and she responded, "No wonder you had such a difficult time first year." And I realized that for four years I had been seeking that one statement, for someone to realize that I wasn't a mess first year because of some personal flaw but because I was going through so much change and pain in my family life that deviations from stability often upset me and I sought to control them in any way possible, by being a perfect student, by avoiding conflict, etc.

There has also been a certain matter on my mind for the past 3 weeks or so and it's been upsetting me very much that that has been the case. Why can't I let go? Why can't I control my own thoughts? What's wrong with me? And I realized that there is a perfectly normal and legitimate reason why this has been on my mind so much: I had a lot of plans for the way graduation would be and what I would be doing thereafter and none of those things are going to be the case. Anyone who went through the experience I did would be having this reaction right now and as soon as I get past the point where I had things planned out, it will be gone from my mind again and I'll continue healing and living my life a new way. It's normal for me to be having these thoughts and feelings and I need to allow myself to do so and there is nothing wrong with me for it.

So maybe I need to be a bit more forgiving of myself and maybe I should try to be content with my own self validation. Or maybe if I need validation from others that badly, I should be more open about what's going on in my life that makes me do the things I do. And if I still can't obtain that validation, it's OK as long as I can validate myself and as long as I still have the people in my life that mater the most to me.

Pass/FAIL

2009-05-07T22:36:00.003-04:00

I'm taking my LGBT History class pass/fail because I knew that I couldn't put in as much effort as usual and I didn't want a B to bring down my GPA for law school. But I still really want to impress the professor and make him think that I'm smart. Reading over the last paper I turned in, that totally did not happen. We were supposed to use three sources. I used one and then found 2 random quotes from other books and threw them in. He noticed and totally called me on it. I also forgot quotation marks a few times, which, yeah, is plagiarism. Go me. Oh and then I misspelled "hippie." What the hell was I thinking? "Hippy"? Really? OH! and I misspelled the name of the ONE author I legitimately used in an in-text citation. So basically, he must think that I'm a lazy, plagiarizing idiot who can't spell. Fab. I guess done isn't always better than good.

2009-05-07T19:02:00.002-04:00

I'm in such a horrible mood today. I'm angry, sad, frustrated, and stressed out all at the same time. I didn't need to have that dream last night and I really wish it didn't haunt me all day today. I also don't need to feel this bad about myself. I'm graduating. I should be having a great time with my friends, but instead I'm miserable thinking about someone who hurt me more than I've ever been hurt before. It wasn't supposed to be this way. In fact, I had a completely different plan in mind for this time of my life. So much for that. I wish there were a way to make this feeling go away but I just can't shake it. I just want to go back to bed for the rest of the night.

2009-05-06T13:34:00.001-04:00

I have to solve the Arab-Israeli Dispute by 12 tomorrow, NOT 5 on Friday. It has taken the best political minds in the world decades and THEY haven't figured it out yet! HOW am I supposed to fix it by noon tomorrow?

2009-05-05T23:11:00.002-04:00

"You have your friends for a reason, a season, or a life time"

It makes sense... but I don't like it. I know that the duration of a friendship doesn't devalue it in any way or mean that it wasn't legitimate, but there is still something painful about the prospect of a friendship having only been meant to last a limited amount of time, like it served it's purpose and now it's time to move on. I'm just inclined to feel that there is something more durable and special about friendships whereas they're serving some purpose seems far too akin to using. It may seem weird, but I would honestly prefer to account for the termination of some of my friendships as just something that happened, just as a fact of life or a result of life circumstances.

2009-05-05T14:09:00.002-04:00

I should be studying right now, but I've been wanting to write this entry for a while. So what I'm going to do is write it in portions during study breaks. I apologize if it is lacking in unity and coherence as a result.

Once in a while, we have the good fortune of meeting someone incredibly powerful simply as a result of their existence. There is something about their story, the way they've plowed on, the way they've developed that is inherently touching and inspiring. And once in a while when we encounter those people, something clicks.

A couple of weeks ago, Carole Morton addressed my LGBT History class and immediately I knew why Daniel was so eager to sing her praises all the time. She is truly a remarkable woman. Her father was abusive, he raped her, she had anorexia, she was actively suicidal, she married an abusive man who threatened to kill her and their son, and she spent some time as a prostitute to make money after she ran away from him. This was all happening around the time that the second wave of the women's movement was emerging and women's shelters were being established, which essentially saved her life. As she became increasingly involved in the women's movement she began to open up to her own same-sex sexuality and from there got involved in the lesbian rights movement.

She made an immense mark through her work in this movement. To hear the story of her standing up to Betty Friedan when she tried to force her off stage and her establishment of Dykes with Tykes was incredibly inspiring.

I always joke with my mom that I was born in the wrong era because I missed out on being part of the major social movements of the 60s. I can only imagine how incredible it must be to have been a part of a movement like Carole Morton was and to be able to see the progress and know that you contributed to it. I feel like my generation is a generation of talkers; we always talk about organizing and talk about collective action and effecting change, but when it comes down to it, it never happens. A handful of people turn out for a protest, maybe an online petition will make it into the right hands, but there just isn't that mass support and passion that there has been in the past.

I really want to be a part of a movement like that and having heard Carole Morton's story the way to do that suddenly clicked for me. So I applied for a job as a legal assistant at GLAD. Gay rights is the cause that I am most passionate about at this point in my life and given the recent developments in the fight for marriage rights, I feel that the cause is on the verge of a major struggle and what better way to be involved than to work for the organization responsible for finding, framing, and fighting the legal battles? Beyond that, I'll be working in the field I was my career to be in, I'll be in a position to gain information, and I'll be working for the cause I believe in... if I get the job of course. If not, then I'm staying involved and finding the resources I need to stay informed. I might not be living in a generation of activists, but that doesn't mean that I can't be involved in an effort for change.

A Look Back

2009-05-01T14:33:00.002-04:00

The end is quickly approaching. I've finished class for my undergraduate career and graduation is in 2 weeks. I keep thinking about the things that I never got a chance to do while I was here: the classes I didn't get to take, the traditions I didn't partake in, the places I didn't go - but I feel like this isn't the way to go about things. So instead, I'm going to make a list of the things that I DID get to do at Smith, because a lot of them I wouldn't have been able to do elsewhere and I truly believe that I wouldn't be the person I am had I not gone to Smith. So, without further ado and in no particular order:

I saw Gloria Steinam speak in person

I met Art Speigelman

I got heavily involved in homosexual activism

I took part in a successful campaign to get Smith to divest from Darfur

I interned for the Governor

I found a passion in law

I met some of the most incredible friends in the world

I grew up and became independent

I learned to like myself

I got an awesome job that gave me tons of experience in the research field

I learned how to Salsa

I went to a sex toy party

I got into knitting

I tried all kinds of food I wouldn't have otherwise: sushi, spanikopita, tofu, tempeh (gross), soy milk, Greek food, Indian food, lamb, you name it

I met Nikki Giovanni

I heard Carole Morton speak

I went to NYC with the art department even though I'm not an art student and got to tour the cloisters and the MMA

I saw a bunch of concerts mad cheap

I got up at the crack of dawn to do visibility for Deval Patrick with the Smith Dems

I drove over 100 miles in one day with my two best friends with no destination in mind and in the process drove up Mount Tom and saw dinosaur footprints

Immorality Night, Carlos Night, Tom Jones Night, Big Sib Little Sib, Winter and Spring Weekends, Convocation, Primal Scream

I've also come to realize that way more of the past 4 years than I expected is just a blur to me now.

2009-04-30T15:39:00.003-04:00

I should preface this by saying that I am not an art person. Never have been, never will be. I think it's pretty and I enjoy it, but I don't get it. I can interpret a constitutional amendment 10 different ways but I can't tell you anything about light, composition, form or anything. That having been said, I just noticed a painting in the bathroom in College Hall today and was rather bothered by it.

The title of it is "Ten Little Indian Boys: An Ode to Thanksgiving." We'll overlook the racist undertones there and move right on to the painting intself. It basically consists of 10 little brown figures with feathers sticking up off of their heads thrown randomly throughout the canvas. This in and of itself is problematic. But then I noticed a crucifix in the background and thought to myself "what the hell is that doing there?" Then I noticed the noose hanging from the tree in the center... and the hearts on the chests of the little brown racist stereotypes with sharp shapes sticking out of them... You see where I'm going with this? 10 Little Indians being slaughtered by Christians, an ode to Thanksgiving, the true story of Thanksgiving.

Now, this representation could be taken in one of two ways: 1. being celebratory of the conquest of the native peoples of America, or 2. being a sarcastic representation criticizing the celebration of Thanksgiving. I'm hoping for the latter but honestly my first reaction was one of appallation. I'm just surprised that this type of painting is displayed in a public bathroom in College Hall while there is a representation of the Smith gates in the winter in the bathroom next door. Furthermore, if it bothered me, a white Bostonian, what effect would it have on others who do not share my ethnic background? Maybe I'm reading too much into it, maybe I burned far too much time at work staring at a painting in the bathroom, maybe there really isn't a point to thsi post other than to simply express my confusion. I don't know. I'm sure that it was not meant as a celebration of the colonization of America and the subsequent attacks on Native Americans, but it is an extremely charged piece, particularly for its placement in an administrative building's bathroom.

2009-04-28T18:49:00.001-04:00

Falling? Oh boy.

2009-04-22T13:40:00.003-04:00

I was nearly brought to tears by one of my respondents this morning. For those of you who don't know, I work as a research assistant and have been interviewing the same students for a study for the past 3 years. As I am graduating in 3 weeks, this round of interviews is my last with these respondents.

There are certain respondents that I feel a connection with, though I am very careful not to let it interfere with my job. I'm not entirely sure what differentiates them from the others, probably the fact that I've been where they have or sympathize with them. Either way, this girl was one of those respondents.

As we were wrapping up the interview and I was explaining about my leaving and her having a new interviewer next year, she completely surprised me and said one of the sweetest things I've ever been told. The gist of it was "thank you so much for being my interviewer. You are so easy to talk to and it was such a comfort to me when I was a first year. Please let me know when you get into law school. I know that you're going to do great things." I'm not bragging, I'm just truly touched. I thought all I was doing was asking questions... but I supposed that that's what therapists do too. It's just a wonderful feeling to know that I've managed to touch someone without really even trying. I guess maybe it is the little things.

2009-04-19T22:57:00.003-04:00

I'll never say what I want to say and I hate that I've become this way. I don't want to trust people anymore. I wish that weren't the case, but I didn't do this to myself. This is the only way I can protect myself.

There are so many things that I want to say

But I'll never find the right words

At least none that your ears can hear...

2009-04-19T13:53:00.002-04:00

It's amazing how much one bad week can throw you off. I've fallen farther behind than I've ever been partly due to having one or two insanely busy weeks where I could only focus on a couple of major things and also partly due to this need for comfort I've developed. Lately, all I want to do is sleep, knit, and watch TV and I think it's because I'm stressed out about graduating and finding a job and all of the work I have to do between now and three weeks from now. Basically, I've just been shutting down. I still can't believe that there was a time when I was a month AHEAD in all of my homework. Normally, I'd be really upset and disappointed in myself for behaving like this, but I'm really learning how to cut myself a break. I've been pushing myself beyond my limits my entire life, and in particular for my entire time in college and because of that it's totally normal for me to be feeling this need to slack off a bit. Beyond that, I'm still getting done what needs to be done and still maintaining A's. I really can't ask much more of myself than that. As a chronic overachiever, I'm proud of myself for being able to think that way.

I've also realized that I only have 3 weeks left and it's not going to kill me to put forth a little bit more effort in those final three weeks considering the fact that after those three weeks I'll be done with school for a while, at least 3 years to be specific. So here's my plan, I'm going to make sure that I do what needs to be done but I'm not going to kill myself over it. If I need an extension, I'll ask for one, if I need a break, I'll take one. Either way, things will work out and I'll be fine in the end. :-)

2009-04-12T23:40:00.000-04:00

I just had an argument with a very ignorant person about censorship and I can't calm down now. He wants to argue with over 40 years worth of Supreme Court precedent, that's his business but he looks stupid doing it. I'm really riled up and it upsets me that people can be so hateful and ignorant. Maybe I'm not cut out for litigation. I take it too seriously and personally. I just don't understand why or how people can be like that. And it frustrates me to the point of tears that they can't see how wrong they are. I suppose wrong is in the eye of the beholder, but how can anyone think that discrimination based on an innate characteristic is right? How can anyone claim that something that has existed in all species including humans since the beginning of time is immoral? And how can they hate people they have never even met?

If we limit ourselves to these narrow definitions of censorship and hatred and discrimination, they we are just facilitating their unbridled perpetuation. I honestly feel like his argument against a broad definition of censorship was just a veil for his argument against homosexuality, and a thin one at that.

2009-04-12T14:38:00.001-04:00

Getting sick alone in the middle of the night is a very unpleasant experience, but I handled it well. I wish I knew what caused it though.

I'm having a really hard time waking up and doing work lately. I was thinking last night and as much as I am ready to be done with school, I also really don't want to leave. I was absolutely miserable for my first 2 years at Smith but the past 2 have been the best of my life. I've become friends with some of the greatest people I will ever meet and they've become like a second family to me. We've gone through things together that I' haven't gone through with anyone else and I really don't want to say goodbye to them. I wish I could take them with me so we could spend the summer driving up the coast and listening to music and taking about weird stuff that pretty much only come up in conversations between Smithies, like heteronormativity and Brazilian bikini waxes. I'm going to miss being able to walk down a floor or wander a few doors down to talk and hang out. And I'll miss doing ridiculous things like getting dressed up to do nothing but watch Sex and the City and drink Cosmos. It'll be hard being far away but I know that whenever any of us needs anything all we'll have to do is pick up the phone and we're there for each other through thick and thin. It'll just be the adjustment that's the tricky part...

Note to self: don't wear eye make up to graduation.

2009-04-11T13:31:00.000-04:00

I've been toying with the idea of creating a public blog for a little while now, so I figured I'd finally give it a shot. Worse case, I never update and it gets deleted... or I get freaked out by the fact that this is public so I dance around every subject a write about leaving the entry completely cryptic and everyone who reads it completely confused and thinking I'm nuts.

I don't really have anything to talk about so today is random thought day.

I don't understand why people go to visit places like Mount Rushmore and the Hoover Dam. As far as I'm concerned, you see a picture of it, you get it. They're manmade and ugly. Why spend the money to go see them life-sized? So you can say "oh, that's kinda cool" and then leave? Maybe it's just me, but my idea of a vacation is not going to look at some giant hunk of concrete wedged between two walls of rock. I'll admit, Mount Rushmore is a tribute to some of the country's greatest presidents and it's pretty nuts that someone could make it. But you look at it once and that's it! You've got the full effect. People used to go see the Man in the Mountain in New Hampshire and look what happened to that. Yeah, erosion is a bitch.

Why are the Washington Monument and the Bunker Hill Monument the same thing? When we went to DC in the 8th grade to go see that, I was like "what the hell? I could have stayed in Boston to see that!" But I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy it. I was in government nerd heaven, even if that portion of the trip was deja-vous.

Has anyone guessed that I'm watching the Travel Channel yet?