It's all downhill from here

I feel like my life has been in a constant downward spiral since Graduation. Nothing has gone my way and on top of all the big things there have been plenty of small things that have gone wrong as well, just enough to have the effect of rubbing salt in an open wound. 

It started out with graduation. I had been working very hard for four years to achieve Latin Honors, which meant I took a class from every discipline and earned a specific GPA in them. I did not graduate with Latin Honors because I just barely missed the GPA cutoff and I suspect that it was an unfair grade in Art History that killed it for me. Of course my first response was to be devastated because I had worked so hard for nothing and also felt that I simply wasn't a good enough student to get it. 

Then I moved home, to my tiny messy house where I share a room with my sister, have no privacy and no personal space and am far away from most of my friends. So, I set about keeping myself busy and getting out as much as possible to try to rebuild a life for myself in the Boston area.

I went to a party. I left the party, crying and newly crushed by and agonizing over something that I had hoped to be over by now. Instead, I'm more confused than ever and have reverted to trying to fix things that may not ever have a chance of being fixed.

I didn't get the job at Abt. They hired someone else and are considering hiring a second position in which case the choice will be between me and one other candidate and the start date is the end of the summer. So I continue to be out of gainful employment and living at home all summer, the prospect of which is positively suffocating. 

And my car broke down, which means I am even more confined to the house where I don't want to be. AND I'M being blamed for it's breaking down by not putting it in the shop. Question: WITH WHAT MONEY?

On top of all of that I'm at least 100 miles away from most of the people I have come to love over the past 4 years and I miss them more than I can take. I feel stressed out and depressed constantly because I'm made so miserable by how different I thought this time in my life would be.  It takes everything I have to get out of bed and I really just want to run away. I've been drawn to California for quite a while now and this might be a good chance to make a break for it. If I don't like it I can always come back.

Heather was really helpful tonight though. This is my time to do the things I want to and I should learn to love myself and by happy other ways. So I'm going to try to do that for now. This really is the time to do it. So I'm going to go out with friends and I'm going to do things that make me happy and I'm going to try my best not to stress out about the future, which is definitely easier said than done for me, but I'm going to try. I need to have faith that things will work out and I'll be happy in the end.

To that end: Going out all weekend this weekend and from now on only wear skirts, dresses, and sexy undies.