On Validation

Sometimes I'm surprised by just how much validation I can need and how much it can make a difference to me. Not just validation from others, but from myself as well. Sometimes I even need help validating myself. I'm really not sure how I feel about the fact that I need validation like I do. Is it a weakness? Is it just a function of low self-esteem? Is it just another gift I can thank my wonderful drunk father for? What does it mean for my future? Or maybe everyone needs validation, whether they realize it or not, and everyone is equally grateful to get it regardless of whether or not they were consciously and actively seeking it.

I had 2 moments yesterday where I realized what a relief it was to have that sense of validation. I had a conversation with one of my closest friends about my past with an abusive father and she responded, "No wonder you had such a difficult time first year." And I realized that for four years I had been seeking that one statement, for someone to realize that I wasn't a mess first year because of some personal flaw but because I was going through so much change and pain in my family life that deviations from stability often upset me and I sought to control them in any way possible, by being a perfect student, by avoiding conflict, etc.

There has also been a certain matter on my mind for the past 3 weeks or so and it's been upsetting me very much that that has been the case. Why can't I let go? Why can't I control my own thoughts? What's wrong with me? And I realized that there is a perfectly normal and legitimate reason why this has been on my mind so much: I had a lot of plans for the way graduation would be and what I would be doing thereafter and none of those things are going to be the case. Anyone who went through the experience I did would be having this reaction right now and as soon as I get past the point where I had things planned out, it will be gone from my mind again and I'll continue healing and living my life a new way. It's normal for me to be having these thoughts and feelings and I need to allow myself to do so and there is nothing wrong with me for it.

So maybe I need to be a bit more forgiving of myself and maybe I should try to be content with my own self validation. Or maybe if I need validation from others that badly, I should be more open about what's going on in my life that makes me do the things I do. And if I still can't obtain that validation, it's OK as long as I can validate myself and as long as I still have the people in my life that mater the most to me.