On hopes and dreams

When I was interning for the governor, I really thought that it would be the key that opens the doors to all of my future endeavors. And I was not alone in this thinking. In fact, one person in particular was mistaken enough to assume that I would be in DC at this point in my life. Truth is, I hate DC. But I digress. What has been the most interesting and unexpected is that really I have hardly mentioned my time in the Governor's office at all in my job applications. In fact, after sending my credentials into at least 15 places, I am only just writing my first cover letter that actually describes my internship. 

When I left the office, I was told to keep in touch and I would have a job after graduation. Then the economy tanked and now there are hiring freezes in all areas of state government. All the connections in the state couldn't help me now. Perhaps this is the reason why I've only just used this experience as my lever to launch myself into gainful employment. I've been forced to rely on my research experience because that field has not been as deeply harmed by the economy. But I am also led to wonder if perhaps that internship was not as valuable an experience as I had assumed it would be. It seemed really cool at the time, but when I look back at it, I really wasn't doing anything that required any type of skill. I entered invitations into a database, I answered phones, and I took a few field trips with the Advance team. Honestly, I feel quite foolish for feeling so special at the time.

But I did really enjoy that job. I was a good worker and I received praise for it and I enjoyed the work. In addition, at that point in my life I felt like everything had fallen into place. I was in a wonderful relationship, I was in a job I intended to pursue, and I was looking towards moving out and starting my life. It's amazing how quickly things fall apart. 

So I suppose it was that complete rearrangement of the major aspects of my life that changed what I thought I would be using as my major experience in cover letters.

What's more striking is now that I've been focusing so much on research jobs and my experience in that field, I've almost completely forgotten that desire to work in government that was so strong over the summer. Quarter life crisis? Perhaps. 

I'll be honest. Having realized how different things are now from what I wanted and expected them to be, it's hard to go on at times. It's hard to keep motivated and keep trying. Sometimes when I'm writing a cover letter I find myself thinking "what's the point?" Even if I get this job I'm not in the position that I wanted to be in this time last year. And it's hard to remember that just because something isn't what I had planned, it doesn't mean that it's going to be a bad experience or that I'm going to be unhappy. It's just different and I can still find my place.

Perhaps all of those plans and aspirations were just the hopes and dreams of a naive, idealistic, and therefore foolish young girl who was in love with life and thought things would always work out.